Title: Unrequited

Part 4

Author: Lizzie

Rating: R

Content: Not a lot besides some very light m/m and a whole bunch of total silliness.

Part 5

Disclaimer: Characters don't belong to me. They belong to WWF and Titan Sports. No copyright infringement intended.
__________________

As the days passed, nothing got better. He kept hoping maybe he'd
wake up one morning and suddenly everything would work itself out,
but he had a sneaking suspicion nothing would work out. He'd fucked
up and now nothing was the way it should be.

Adam hadn't spoken to him in over a week now. Every time they passed
in a corridor or one of them walked into a room Adam just completely
blanked him, acted like he wasn't there. And most of the time Jay
wished he wasn't. It was hell being around him knowing what had come
between them. Before it had been almost bearable, back when they were
friends and Adam hadn't known how Jay felt about him, because at
least then they'd been together. Adam had been a big part of his
everyday life, even if it hadn't been quite the role he'd wanted him
to play. Now there was nothing. It was like all those years didn't
matter and Jay had completely ceased to exist.

It was hell not being around him anymore. He missed talking with him,
seeing him flash those toothy smiles, joking, working out, shopping,
watching TV, just being around him. They'd spent so much time
together over teh years and now if felt like a part of him was
missing. It was. Like he had this bloody, gaping wound in his heart
where someone had come along and cleaved the best part of him out.
Even if he hadn't loved him it would've felt that way. Because what
he'd lost wasn't just an object of unrequited love. He'd lost the
best friend he'd ever had.

And now he didn't even have Jeff to turn to. He'd fucked that up too.
He hadn't had the least little bit of restraint and he'd screwed up
the next most important friendship in his life. He'd presumed that if
Jeff had slept with him then there must have been some sort of
emotional investment, he'd assumed if Matt found out then what had
happened could come between the brothers. The lovers. He should've
known what it meant to Jeff in the scheme of things, that he meant
nothing to him compared with Matt. He'd been a fool to believe
anything could come of a relationship with Jeff.

Honestly, he wasn't sure he would've wanted a relationship even if
one had been offered. He liked Jeff. He was a good friend and he was
attracted to him, but he didn't love him, wasn't sure he ever could.
At least not that way. He couldn't believe he'd let things get as far
and as messy as they had. He'd known all along that Jeff's heart was
with Matt, and that his own definitely wasn't with Jeff. The whole
thing was just a big mess. Because he hadn't had the force of will to
tell Jeff to stop, he'd lost another friend. Two. Jeff and Matt
together.

That had left him with no one to turn to. No one he felt all that
comfortable around, anyway. There was Jericho but he'd be busy with
whoever he happened to be fucking this week, Lance but they hadn't
really talked in months and months, Terry but he'd be hanging out
with his ECW buddies, so many others but he couldn't go to any of
them. So who did that leave him with?

Billy Kidman. He'd gone to Billy. He'd asked Billy to take him in.
He'd slept with Billy. He'd spent a week with Billy. He'd screwed up
yet again and gone back to Billy.

It wasn't right. Even the excuse that he had nowhere else to go and
no one else to go to didn't justify it. He'd gone back to Billy
despite the fact he knew he didn't really want to be with him. He was
just going to wind up hurting him all over again and he knew it, but
he just couldn't seem to get the words out. He couldn't tell him he
was leaving, that he didn't love him, that he couldn't love him, that
really the only reason he was there with him was because he could at
least be sure he wouldn't throw him out.

Every morning for the past week he'd woken up in Billy Kidman's arms.
It wasn't a bad feeling in itself, lying there in a warm bed next to
a warm body, feeling safe and loved. It was just a shame he couldn't
love Billy in return. It was a shame he was wishing he was someone
else, someone tall and blonde and Canadian that he was in love with
and was miserable without. But Billy never seemed to notice how Jay
was feeling. Or if he did, he was trying to pretend he didn't.
Knowing him like he did, Jay guessed Billy was pretending just like
he was, except instead of pretending he was someone else, he was
pretending he could make Jay happy. He'd always been a master of
denial, especially when it came to their relationship.

And now they were back together. It was nothing official but it
seemed like everyone knew. Jay found himself hoping Adam wouldn't
find out then realised it didn't much matter if he did. He was
nothing to Adam anymore. Maybe that was what he was doing with Billy,
hoping that if he stayed there long enough then Adam would mean
nothing to him, either.

Only it wasn't going away. Every morning he woke in Billy's bed if
felt just a little worse, and he wasn't sure he could ever feel good
again. He'd lost the only thing that really mattered in his life, and
no matter how hard he hoped, he couldn't forget that. And no matter
how hard he hoped, it was never coming back.

***

Smackdown had been over for half an hour and Jay was still sitting
backstage in neon green tights just staring at his reflection in the
mirror. He was trying to decide if he looked paler then normal, maybe
a little thinner, maybe a little older. And the only conclusion he'd
drawn so far was nothing to do with the questions he was asking. All
he could think was how he'd ever expected anyone to love him, let
alone a beautiful, perfect person like Adam, when he was so damn
ugly.

He'd seen Adam earlier that night, with Matt and Rob Van Dam,
laughing and smiling, and he'd felt like someone just kicked him in
the stomach. He'd realised right then that he may be miserable
without Adam, but Adam would be just fine without him. Much as he
didn't want to believe it, he knew it was true. He'd seen him,
looking great as ever, happy and comfortable with other beautiful
people. Maybe in the long run Jay had done him a favour. At least now
he was free of his pathetic hanger-on, free to make new friends,
better friends.

"Tell me you didn't do this".

The door swinging open and the voice behind him almost made him fall
off the edge of the chair. He turned with a frown. That tone didn't
sound goof. He recognised panic when he heard it.

"What? Jeff, what?"

"Jay, tell me you didn't do this!" Jeff sounded destraught and looked
it every inch. He was frantic.

"Do what?"

"Vince... he asked to speak to me and Matt. He said... oh God Jay he
said he'd been hearing rumours about us, about me and Matt, and he
hoped he'd been misinformed but that he'd have to... because if the
press found out... he'd have to split us up anyway and... oh God,
Jay, Matt thinks you told Vince. He thinks you told him about us".

"Christ Jeff, no, no I didn't, of course I didn't! Vince just came
right out and told you he'd heard you and Matt were together? He's
splitting you up? Fuck. Fuck, Jeff. I had nothing to do with that,
nothing. You don't think I... you don't, do you? Because I couldn't.
You know that, right?"

"I know, Jay. It's just Matt... he's convinced it must've been you. I
don't know why, he won't tell me. I don't believe it. Oh God, Jay,
this can't be happening. This just can't be... tell me it's not
happening".

"Shhh. You'll be okay. You'll be fine".

"Liar".

"It's gonna be okay".

Except as Jay held him there, feeling him sob against his shoulder,
clinging to him, he couldn't believe anything he'd just said. Nothing
could be okay for Matt and Jeff now. It had all gone so, so wrong.

***

"I'm sorry, Billy. I know this sucks and I know this is all my
fault , but you know I never meant to hurt you".

"But... but I thought... weren't we supposed to be back together
again? I thought we had all this straightened out. You came back. And
now you're leaving me again? Please, please Jay you can't. You can't
leave me again. Not like this. Not... not for Jeff".

"I'm not leaving you for Jeff, Billy, I swear I'm not. I *swear* I'm
not. I'm leaving you for me. I know you're not going to uinderstand
this, but I can't stay with you. It's not fair on either of us, okay?
I'm well, I'm in love with someone else. He doesn't love me and I
know I can never be with him but just because I can't be with him
doesn't mean I should be with you. It's not fair on you. I know it's
easy for me to say, but you need to find someone who's going to love
you. I mean *really* love you, the way you deserve to be loved,
because you deserve it. Really, Billy. You deserve more than I can
give you".

"But I want you".

Jay winced. This wasn't going well. He'd finally got up the courage
to tell Billy it was over once and for all, to explain why they
couldn't be together, and Billy just wouldn't accept it. Not that
he'd ever believed it would be easy, but it was damn hard. Harder
than he'd expected.

Because it wasn't like he didn't care for Billy in a way, because he
did. He liked him. He'd even admit they'd been good together, once
upon a time. And he sincerely had no wish whatsoever to hurt him in
any way. But this was the way it had to be. Just like before.

"I wouldn't be fair".

"Don't you think it's up to me to decide what's fair and what's not?"

"No, not really".

"'Cause fair sure isn't dumping me, coming back to me, making me
believe we're okay again and then dumping me, *again*".

"I know. I should never have let this happen. I have no excuses. All
I can say is I'm sorry. I can honestly say I never meant for any of
this to happen. But it has and I'm sorry and I can't change my mind.
I'm gonna leave now. Call me if you need to, tell me what an asshole
I am, whatever. I'm... I'm gonna go now".

Billy didn't say a word as Jay left the room, closed the door behind
him. He'd expected him to yell, throw things, just do something, but
he hadn't. Jay didn't know what that meant but it couldn't be good.
Maybe he was just in shock and once it'd worn off he'd find a very
angry Billy Kidman reaching for the phone or storming down the
corridor to find him and beat him senseless. He'd probably let him,
too, the way he was feeling.

But right now he had to at least try to put Billy and his guilt right
out of his mind. He had something else he needed to focus on. Jeff.

***

He knocked twice and as he stepped into the room he almost wished he
hadn't bothered. Matt and Jeff were sitting on the edge of the bed in
each other's arms, and uncomfortable as that made him, that wasn't
the problem. Amy was sitting by the dresser, and she wasn't it
either. The problem was Adam, sitting at the table under the window.
Adam who completely ignored him as he walked into the room.

The door snapped shut behind him and Jeff glanced up at him over
Matt's shoulder with a small, grateful smile. He looked a mess,
completely, and Jay guessed that was nothing to how he felt. The
worst thing that he could possibly imagined happening to the Hardys
had just happened. There was no other way for Jeff to look except the
way he did. Devastated.

Matt was rocking Jeff gently in his arms, stroking back his hair. But
he wasn't talking. He wasn't even whispering. Usually that was what
he'd do to calm Jeff down, but by the look on his face Jay guessed he
wasn't in any state himself to try to console Jeff. And he was
clinging to him. Actually clinging to Jeff's shirt, like Jeff was
clinging to his. And there were tears in his eyes. Matt had always
been the strong one, the one Jeff turned to, the one who looked after
him. But now he was crumbling. It was painful to see.

"Matt, we should get going", Amy said, standing, laying her hand
gently across his shoulders. For a second he froze, then he looked up
at her and nodded.

"Matty, please, don't go!" Jeff's voice was tiny, almost
unrecognisable. He was clinging to Matt like his life depended on it.
Matt just pressed a kiss to his forehead and brushed the tears from
his cheeks.

"Jeff, I have to. It's for the best. We can't stay together right
now, okay? Look, Jay's here. You'll be fine. It'll be fine. You'll
see".

But the words sounded hollow. Jay knew how false they were, Matt
couldn't disguise it and obviously Jeff knew too because he just
burst into tears.

"Don't go", Jeff whispered, showering Matt's face with tiny,
desperate kisses. "Don't go. Please".

Matt took Jeff's wrists in his hands, thumbs rubbing lightly over his
pulsepoints. Jeff bit down on his bottom lip and couldn't meet his
eyes.

"I've got to, Jeff. I've got to. I don't want to but you understand,
right? Fuck, Jeff, I love you so much. I don't want to go. But no one
can know. You know that, right?"

Slowly, Jeff nodded. "I know".

Matt tilted Jeff's chin and kissed his lips, just once, softly,
slowly. Then he turned and left the room, Amy at his side.