Title: History Repeating

Author: Lizzie

Rating: PG-13

Content: Nothing too bad this time. A couple of mentions of violence,
a couple of mentions of m/m sex (like you don't expect that anyway)
and some bad language.

Disclaimer: Characters don't belong to me. They belong to WWF and Titan Sports. No copyright infringement intended.
__________________

I know you're going to hurt me.

You don't have to be a genius too see it, which I guess is a good thing `cause if I did then I wouldn't see this coming at all. I'm not as smart as you and you know it. I'm naïve and innocent and I'm trusting - hell, am I ever trusting. I hate that, `cause I know I shouldn't be. People take advantage of me left, right and centre. They tell me lies and even when I don't buy it I give them the benefit of the doubt `til they practically have to sit me down and tell me `Adam, I'm screwing you over'. The difference is that this time I don't trust you. I'm expecting you to screw me over. I'd
expect nothing less.

I know what's gonna happen. I know you're gonna hurt me. So what the fuck am I doing with you?

***

"You know what's gonna happen with him, right?" Jay says. "Even you couldn't be that dumb".

I just shrug and turn over in my bed, turning my back to him, hoping he'll take the hint and shut the hell up. But he doesn't. I know he won't `cause he never does.

"He's gonna beat you and fuck you and wear you down `til you're in therapy for the rest of your life. You know that, right?"

I sigh and close my eyes and hope if I ignore him he'll go away or at least go to sleep and leave me the fuck alone. Yeah, I know he only wants the best for me, and yeah, I know every word he's saying is true, but that doesn't mean I want to hear it. I already know. I want to walk over there, grab him by the shoulders, shake him and scream it at him `til he gets it through his thick skull. But I won't. I'll just lie here and ignore him `til he gives up.

Besides, I don't have to listen to him. He may be my best friend but he has no right to tell me those things. He only knows second hand, sometimes third hand, about other people and what you did to them. He's seen them in corridors and made assumptions. He's talked to people who've talked to them, just like I have. He's heard eyewitness accounts and decided you're a bad person and I can't seriously say that I blame him with the evidence against you, but he's never been
there himself. He'll never be there himself. And until he has I won't listen to him. He just doesn't understand. He thinks he does but I know he doesn't.

Kurt - now he gets it. Kurt who hasn't been the same since you left him a couple of months back. Kurt who I found in his hotel bathroom with a razorblade, about to slash his wrists because of you. Yeah, you remember Kurt. You fucked him over. You made him believe you loved him then you broke him down and tossed him out. He was ready to die for you `til I walked in and stopped him. He's got a better idea than most of what you're capable of.

Kurt's my friend and I've tried to talk to him about you. He used to tell me everything. When he was still with Benoit he'd tell me everything down to the last gory little detail, even when they broke up he told me everything. I was with him through all that. I was with him through his brief rebound affair with Jericho, through Austin,through Rocky, and then, one day, he wasn't the same anymore. Because he met you.

In the beginning he told me about you. He told me about how perfect everything was and how perfect you were, about how happy he was, and I could tell he was just by the way he was smiling and the look in his eyes and the way he couldn't sit still and he was gushing about
you like a hyperactive six-year-old on sugar. I was happy for him. I thought maybe he'd found true love, and after everything he'd been through, God knows he deserved it.

But then he stopped talking to me. He wouldn't tell me anything, seemed miserable all the time, ignored me, wouldn't even talk to me. And over time I came to the conclusion that it was all because of you.

Don't think I came to this conclusion all by myself - I had help. I had all the stories we'd all heard about you, all the rumours, all the whispered conversations, all of Kurt's bruises that make-up tried so desperately to cover, all the times I'd see you together and see the hurt on Kurt's face. I know it was you that made him that way, so you don't have to deny it. Not that I think you would - actually, I think you're kinda proud of what you did to him.

You broke him, left him and drove him to attempt suicide. And I know that given half a chance, you'd do the same to me. So what the fuck am I doing with you?

***

Jay falls asleep and I lie in bed listening to him breathe. Sometimes it soothes me, knowing he's there and he's so calm, sleeping in the next bed. Sometimes it doesn't and all I want to do is yell at him to shut the fuck up or smother him in his sleep. Tonight I want to smother him. But I don't think I will. Annoying as he is sometimes, as happy as he is in that perfect little relationship of his and as much as I wish he'd keep the fuck out of my business, I'd miss him. Sounds kinda odd. `Yeah, Jay, I'd miss you if you were dead'. He'd think I'm going insane. But he's my best friend. I don't know what I'd do without him.

Just like I don't know what I'd do without you. I seriously don't.

I want to walk away and never speak to you again. I want to be able to see you face-to-face and tell you I'm leaving you, that I know what you're going to do to me and I don't want any part of it. But I know I won't. I can't.

I saw you today and I wanted to tell you. I had the words all planned out just like I always do, but when I come to say them I just stutter at you `til I give up and come out with some dumb-ass inane question like `how you doing?' You smile at me and tell me you're doing fine. You ask me if I'd like to go to catering and grab something to eat. I nod dumbly and follow you there, wondering where I've mislaid my guts. I can't tell you.

You walk so close beside me that our arms are almost touching, grazing against each other. I can feel the heat from your bare skin, sometimes feel the tiny little blonde hairs on your arm brushing
against my forearm. You keep glancing over at me, these little sidelong glances that you think I don't see, this little smile on your face as you watch me. All the time I'm just so aware of you, of
where you are and what you're doing that it's hard to focus on anything else. And let's face it, I don't want to.

Then after the show we'll meet up and without a word I know we're headed back to your room. I apologise to Jay and ignore his lectures which really he might as well just put on tape and give me to play back every time I leave an arena with you. You drive. I don't mind that you drive. We get back to the hotel and practically fucking run to your room and when we get there we tear off each other's clothes and you fuck me senseless. Sometimes it's the other way around, but either way you're just so fucking beautiful that I never ever want to leave you. I want to lie by your side forever and never leave the bed.

We lie together afterwards, so close we're almost touching, and you'll play with my hair, twist it round your fingers, brush it over the back of your hand, press your lips to it. You'll look into my
eyes and whisper to me, tell me you love me and you're never gonna leave me, that you'll never want anyone else because you love me that much. You tell me you'll never look at another guy and you wish you could be with me forever, just me, because I'm all you need. You trace the line of my ribs with your fingertips, press soft to the contours of my muscles, touch every part of me like I'll touch every part of you, like we're trying to memorize every inch of each other's body. You kiss my skin reverently, so softly it's almost like you'd never hurt me. In those moments I almost believe you won't.

And eventually you fall asleep. I lie beside you or wrapped up in your arms, watch you sleeping. I watch the fluttering of your eyelids, the muscles relaxing in your face, all the tension smoothing
away. I watch and you become even more beautiful. I watch your chest rise and fall as you breathe, I place my hand over your heart and feel your heartbeat. I could listen to you breathe forever, `cause just knowing you're there is enough for me. But I reach over and kiss your sleeping lips, wish to God that everything could be as perfect as it seems, and I leave you. I go back to my room, my roommate and my bed. I can't sleep with you. I know if I did I could never leave.

***

Jay doesn't know jack about you. Kurt won't say a word about you. Most of the others have just heard the rumours and like to repeat them. But the only other person I know about who really knows about you, he talks. And he tells the truth.

I have a lot of respect for Chris Jericho. Okay so he's some kinda rock star wannabe but at least he's good at his day job, and the times I've had reason to talk to him he's seemed like a pretty decent guy. And of all the people I heard about from Kurt, he seemed the least twisted so I guess he's got that going for him. Actually, it was Kurt who left him, even if he'd moan like a bitch about how he deserted him all the damn time.

Anyway, Jericho. He was with you. Not a lot of people know that, but he was. Before Kurt. I kinda figured it out by the way you treat each other backstage and I must've mentioned it to him `cause before long he was spilling the whole story. How perfect it was in the beginning, how you said you loved him and made him believe it, how you made him love you back. Then his eyes kinda misted over, and he started telling me about how you used to beat him. You'd grab his arm so he couldn't move and he'd try to twist away but mostly that just made it worse when your fist hit his cheekbone. He told me how you used to beat him and fuck him raw, and then you'd act like nothing had happened and you'd be loving him again.

For a while he couldn't leave you - he guessed either he was completely losing his mind or you were or you didn't mean to do it or he deserved it, or all of the above. But one day he just decided he'd had enough and he left you. He's kinda bitter about it, as in he'd quite gladly rip out your still-beating heart and feed it to a pitbull while you watched, but he's learned his lesson. I'm glad.
He's a good guy and he deserves to be happy. I know he's in love with Kurt and I honestly hope they can make everything okay for each other.

But no one's gonna make it okay for me. Not Kurt, not Chris, not any of my friends and not even Jay - and especially not you.

***

I couldn't believe it when you told me you loved me. It was just so out of the blue, for one thing. I was sitting backstage after a show jamming all my stuff into a bag and wondering when Jay would get outta the Hardys' room so we could get back to the hotel when you walked in. I wasn't expecting you. I had no idea what you were gonna say. And all you said was `I love you. I'll always love you. C'mon, let's get outta here'. So we did.

I couldn't believe you wanted me. But you did and you do, because even I'm not dumb enough to believe you'd be fucking me if you didn't want me. Fucking me's not gonna get you anywhere in your career, fucking me's not gonna make you famous or make you respected or make you rich, `cause let's face it, I'm the company whore. I've been around the block so many times sometimes it's hard to remember a guy in the locker room I haven't fucked. You're almost considered a joke
if you haven't fucked me. Sad, really.

And I guess if that's all you wanted you didn't need to tell me you loved me. So I think maybe, on a good day, you really do have feelings for me. I'd like to believe you do. Like I wanted to believe
you really felt something for Kurt. But on a bad day I just think you were planning to hurt me from the beginning. I'd be so easy to hurt.

Don't you think it sucks being the company's easy lay? It's like, `oh, I know, I wanna get laid tonight, I'll go find Edge, he won't toss me out of bed'. Like I really want that! Do I really seem
that way? I'm not a slut. I don't enjoy being everyone's favorite fuckbuddy. Seems like the only guy I haven't fucked around here is Van Dam and that's a minor miracle the way things are going. I'm not gonna pretend it's my wonderful personality that attracts guys either. I'm a pretty-boy and I'm an easy lay. It's as simple as that. Maybe you all think it's okay to treat me that way `cause if you're tall and you're blonde and you're kinda pretty to look at you've gotta be a slut. And if you're a slut then your feelings don't matter anymore. Besides, sluts don't have feelings. Seems most people believe that

Maybe that's why you wanted me. I want to believe it was more than that, but mostly I know it isn't. You're just playing with me. The way you did with Jericho. The way you did with Kurt. The way you did before that, before them both, way back when. The way you did with me before.

Except I had more sense before. Now I'm just acting like a hormonal fool.

Before I got my reputation, just after I joined the Federation, you asked me to dinner. I thought it seemed kinda strange, but I wasn't gonna say no to free dinner with a good-looking guy, and we went out. We went out again the next night. And the next night. And it was fun. I really liked you. You treated me better than anyone had ever treated me and you just completely amazed me. You dazzled me. By the time you started hitting me, I was already in love.

You turned into this whole other person, this guy who didn't want to be around me if he wasn't inside me, didn't have time to talk to me or notice me if he wasn't gonna be sarcastic or put me down. You hurt me and I put up with it because I was in love with you. But not for long. I had enough and I left you, just walked out and never came back. It hurt like hell but I had Jay and I knew I didn't need you. I was so much stronger then.

But I'm not. I just not. This time I'm not going to be able to leave you.

***

I wasn't over you when you started dating Kurt. I was jealous and I wanted to warn him off you, but I really wanted Kurt to be happy and I wanted to believe you'd changed. I really did. Honest to God I wanted to believe it. I was disappointed to find out I was wrong.

And that's what makes being with you now so hard. I know your past, I know exactly what you've done to the other guys in your life, I know exactly what you did to me. It makes this hard. Because I know I should leave you and I know I can't. It's hell being with you. It just reminds me how fucking weak I am. And I am weak. Because half the time I go around hoping to God that this time's gonna be different. Sometimes I can almost bring myself to believe it, too. I hate myself for being so naïve.

I just wish I could forget.

I wish I could forget how you make me feel. I want to forget everything you say to me, every time you make me smile, every time you smile at me, every time you've told me you love me. I want to
wake up one morning and just not remember days of lying in bed with you, staring at blue skies with you, touching you, feeling you inside me like you completed me. I want to forget how incredible being with you really is, all the passion, how it hurts to be away from you, how I ache inside when we're not together. I want to forget. I want to forget how much I love you, always have loved you, how I want to be with you forever no matter what. I wish I could forget how loved I feel when I'm with you. I wish I could forget it all and wonder why I ever wanted to be with you. I wish I could forget how good it is, better than anyone else ever has been or could be, because then I could leave you. Like I know I should.

And I want you to stop. I want you to stop treating me the way you do, I want you to stop making me love you. Because every second I'm with you I fall just a little deeper. Don't do this to me. Please, Hunter, don't so this to me. You've gotta stop.

But I know that's not gonna happen. I'm never gonna forget, you're never gonna stop and I'm never gonna leave you. This time you've got me forever. I'm never gonna stop loving you. I wish you'd stop doing all the things you do because maybe then I'd stop loving you, but it's like you do them unconsciously and it just reminds me of how perfect you are for me, how much I just have to be with you or it feels like I'm missing half of myself, like there's this big gaping hole in me where you should fit. I can't forget. I hate that. And I wish I could hate you for that but I can't. It just makes me love you more.

There's just one problem. I know you're going to hurt me no matter how I feel about you. I know what's going to happen because it's happened before and it just has to happen again. I'd like to think that maybe you've changed and maybe everything's gonna work out this time but history always repeats with you. Always.

So what the fuck do I do?

I trust you. That's what I do.

***

I slip out of bed and I pull on the jeans I left on the floor. I need to put on the light `cause I can't really see what I'm doing but I can't wake Jay. He'll just talk at me `til he makes me realise just
exactly how much of a bad fucking idea this is. I don't want that even if I know he's right. I don't need to know he's right just now. So I'll find my boots in the dark.

Somehow I manage to get myself dressed although when I sneak out of the door I realise I'm wearing Jay's shirt. I don't want to go back inside and change because I think maybe I'll change my mind too. And maybe Jay'll be awake. So I just button the damn shirt, wish to God that Jay had better sense than to wear something that looks like he robbed the grave of some seventies throwback to find it. Damn, it looks like the carpet in that trashy motel we had to stay in on the
road a couple of months back when the rental car broke down. Judging by the feel of it, I think maybe it *is* the carpet in that trashy motel. Gah. And I have to be seen in this?

Your door's just down the hall and I swear I reach it in twelve steps. And you've left it unlocked. It's almost like you knew I was coming. Maybe you did. I step inside.

I almost expect you to be awake and waiting for me but you're asleep. I can tell because you've left the lamp on next to the bed and I can see your face, and I can hear your breathing. You're definitely asleep. And seeing the look on your face I could almost believe right now that I've made the right decision.

I pull off my clothes and toss them on the floor, then I slip into the bed behind you, close my arms around you, feel the heat of your body against me, enjoy the smell of you as I press my lips to your hair. You shift slightly against me and I feel my heart beating faster, feel the adrenaline. I shouldn't be here. I'm scared of what you'll do. I'm scared of what this means.

But you turn in my arms and a sleepy smile spreads across your face. You lean in closer, you pull me in tighter, and you kiss me. Softly, like you're pleased to see me, like it's okay for me to be there with you. Maybe it is.

"Hey", you say softly, nuzzling my neck. I feel the your beard against my skin, feel your lips and feel wanted. "This is a surprise".

"A good surprise or a bad surprise?" I ask. I can't help it, I have to ask.

You smile. "Good surprise. Does this mean you might actually stay the night?"

That look in your eyes is so amazing. It's like you don't know, like you're not sure I'm staying or that I even want to. Christ, it's almost like you don't know I love you. So I nod and I smile. Because I'm not leaving. Not when I love you this much, not when you look so vulnerable, not when it almost seems like if I told you I was leaving now you'd really try to stop me, like maybe I'd hurt you. It seems almost unreal. It seems like you love me.

You kiss me like you love me and you hold me like you'll never let me go. And I dare to believe that I'm doing the right thing lying here with you. I start to think that this time you'll treat me right, love me like I deserve to be loved, like I love you. Maybe this time we'll work out. I hope so.

Because everything you are means I can't forget that I love you. I can't leave you even though I know what has to happen. I have no way out. So I've made the decision to give you my heart and trust you not to break it. I just hope that for once in my life this trust isn't misplaced, because if you hurt me again, I don't think I'll ever recover.